I have a bad reputation, I know, but believe me it is not justified. Like everyone else, all I’m trying to do is survive. It’s not my fault that I am good at it. Very good. I am not evil, you now. Whatever collateral damage I cause is never malicious, and it is always in a good cause, the cause being my own life, liberty, and the pursuit of such happiness as a virus with no sex life can expect.
The thing people fail to realize is just how fragile I am, how susceptible to sudden catastrophic annihilation. You can’t imagine how hostile and unpredictable is the environment in which I find myself. My only protection is to follow the biblical “be fruitful and multiply” bit. All my ingenious mutations can barely keep me one step ahead of my rapidly depleting food sources. It’s a hand to mouth existence, not particularly elegant, but effective - at least for a while.
Sooner or later though there comes a point when the fresh supply of healthy bodies is clearly dwindling and even an optimist like me sees the writing on the wall.
Lately, there are those among us who have started to question our traditional habit of killing off the very organisms we depend on for our lives. “Responsible Infecting” they call it, “Tissue Replenishment”, “Eco-incubating”, and even (one shudders to think) “Birth Control”. What is a virus to do? Become a goddam intestinal bacterium? An amino acid?
Luckily, a virus is a virus even when she goes Green. Saving the environment makes a good bumper sticker but you gotta live, while you still can. So, go ahead brothers, ride that sneeze, ah-chee… that-a-boy.
A philosopher dude once maintained that the only truly conscious act a virus can do is to commit suicide. I’d like to see how many of our environmental warriors would take up the challenge.
Nah, for me, the most conscious act is knowing who you are, clearly and without judgment. I am a virus, a mutant who in order to survive kills indiscriminately everything it comes in contact with until there is nothing left to kill. That’s who I am, and all the pretty spiritual talk that smart viruses have concocted to make themselves feel better can’t change that simple fact.
Yet, I too am an environmentalist. I believe that if we can stay our course, keep doing what we’ve always done, infect, spread, pollute, and kill, we will be doing the greatest service to the environment. Once there is nothing for us to feed on we’ll be gone. And the rest of the world will be able to breathe a sigh of relief.
The Kvetching Factory
"Start every day with a smile and get it over with" (W.C. Fields)